Sunday, April 09, 2006

Steven Wright jokes

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

When I was a child...
We had a quick-sand box in the backyard......
I was an only child........

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious!

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said "Didn't you see the stop sign."
I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and........... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her.
I said, "Hi,"
and she said, "Hi,"
and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?,"
and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem."
So I asked, "What's the problem?"
She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..."
I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus."
So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish the way, my name is Denise."
I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

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